To K.C.

Today I am reminded of my youthful nature. As a child I never saw failure in my future. I charged ahead knowing my force and natural ability would get the job done. I never practiced at life, I just played. I felt like A.I. in his prime. Being naturally gifted also proved to be a double-edged sword as I aged through adolescence and into adulthood. The game of life started to lose its fun qualities.

Eventually my abilities began to dull because the depths of the evolving game of life outweighed my natural perceptive gifts. My years of slacking off and rebelling from practice began to show up in my everyday life. I was being outpaced by time. Everything in my life from my personal and professional relationships to my finances began to drag. And now the time it would to take to catch back up to where I believed I should have been seemed daunting. I asked myself, what should I do in this situation? Of course with the rise of cryptocurrency the answer was to invest all my money! Holy shit did that hurt… twice. 🤕🤕

I grew scared of significant progress. I lost trust in myself and my own abilities. I lost sight of my own goals, and because I never took the time to develop real strategies on how to achieve them, I didn’t know what steps to take to find them again.

I developed a sense of Middling Millennial Guilt (I’m now coining this term), which is difficult to describe, but it feels like that first time going to bed drunk and waking up with a hangover. “WTF is this!?” And then the sunlight hits your eyes 🥴. “Surprise! It’s another day, mf. Time don’t stop for NO MAN!!” This guilt washed over me like a cold shower and the prize was depression.

There is something about looking back and seeing the person you were slip away from you that is humbling. How could this once youthful and vibrant spirit, free from excessive stress, become this adult with Male Pattern Baldness and living check to check? I had just been fired from my salaried position as assistant director of a youth-focused non-profit (kids are the reason why I’m bald now). I was delivering pizzas and hustling pool games, while promoting shows for DJs and selling (not really) t-shirts on the side to make ends meet. Ride-share apps weren’t a thing yet, or I would have definitely been on that too. My life was a series of hustles and parties and I lived in all of them. I felt like a Detroit ballroom on a Saturday night.

When I say, “I lived in all of them,” I really mean I brought life to them. I poured myself into being known. The Life of Kenny is what I called it. The Middling Millennial Guilt kept finding ways to show up by telling me I wasn’t known enough. THAT was the reason why I wasn’t ahead… It had to be! 🤓 I spent years living the fast life: eat, sleep, partying, after-partying, after-after-partying, working, rinse and repeat. I lost my mid-late twenties to it. And then one day I woke up wondering where the time had gone.

I look back on my life in segments and a lot of it is hazy. That is what depression does to you. It makes you want to drown yourself in escapisms to the point where your memory gets foggy. I had stayed in personal relationships out of guilt and shame. I was scared to leave the masses of other relationships I had built because I had finally felt the cheers of crowds I craved. I believed to be achieving success, the whole time I was just becoming comfortable with the status quo. The problem I did not see was that my spirit craved calm…

“One day” is relative like the Bible here- meaning years went by as I was noticing change. I was slowly awakening to the wisdoms life provided. Young K.C. was an erratic child with ADHD (ADD back in the 90’s), which always comes with its own host of developmental misconceptions. What began my calm was when I started realizing how peaceful life could be if I slowed down to enjoy it. And one day it clicked. One day I woke up and said enough is enough. I was tired of being tired. I wanted to feel the fire of my youth again! I began slowing my movements and documenting my visions. K.C. was a wild child… Kenneth Cortez would be a man of peace.

What does it take to achieve peace? Peace is gained first through admission of guilt. Then through understanding what drove you to the point of your actions in the first place. Like realizing that Will Smith was actually wrong for slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars and deserves to take this hiatus and fix his toxicity, I looked deep within. I had to admit that I was a weakened and partially broken version of myself. I had picked up the ball and went home from practicing my life. I did not stay ahead of the curve because I didn’t care enough. The waves crashed down on me over and over again as I felt I was drowning in unseen sorrow. Until the day when I spoke up. Until the morning I looked in the mirror and told myself it was me who allowed this to happen all along.

If you had just trained more you would have been ready for this situation!

Sure there were events that I was not fully responsible for, but ultimately it was me who jumped into those situations ignoring all the red flags. And this is not to compare my struggle to extreme abuse and domestic violence survivors, but it was me who stayed long enough to get hurt by people I loved and rocked with. It was me who also lashed out and hurt people that claimed to love. It was always me. And once I reframed my mentality it allowed me to regain control of my life.

The journey to peace is a long path when coming from a constant battle for survival.

I was once told that if I wanted peace, after admission, I must believe that I can become peaceful. How could I live a peaceful life when surrounded by chaos? The short answer is I couldn’t, so I began envisioning what peace looked like to me, and cutting chaotic people of the opposite nature out of my life. Peace has become a growing lifestyle that I crave the wiser I get.

As I settle in my wisdoms, I notice more clearly how my energy resonates. The beauty surrounding me is a serene topic of conversation in my daily routine. Understanding that to reach the goals I have envisioned will take sound judgement, and that judgement can only be rightly made by a calm mind is how I maintain my peace. This type of poise is gained from having full faith in myself and the forces around me to move as I need them to in harmony with my spirit. It is said religiously (I don’t consider myself religious, but there is value) to have faith the size of a mustard seed, and I am adding that

Your Temple of Success can only be built on the land prepared by Faith 🙏🏾

As I sit here writing this journal entry, I look back on my great awakening to peace and feel uplifted by the youthful fire burning again. I remember the days I couldn’t feel the pains of adulthood, only now I realize I was running from growth and success instead of calmly crafting it. I choose to know peace personally, as I acknowledge young K.C. had a toxic relationship with it. It took unlearning many toxic coping mechanisms in order to see this clearly. There are new goals and milestones of success constantly, and I trust myself to take the right steps in moving forward because I have faith in myself to remain calm under pressure. Add in the extra faith in a power many of us comprehend differently, I walk my path knowing I will continue to be presented with opportunity to grow in my successes as long as I practice the way I want to play.

If I want to build a legacy successfully I must have faithfully work on myself and continue growing into a better person. I must work daily on myself and extend my positive energy to those around me, pouring love into the world. I must become an embodiment of peace, and be a beacon for others to see that it is possible to obtain. I love this newest version of myself, and I will continue to grow in my practice of peace as I gain wisdom and understanding.

From Kenneth Cortez to K.C.

“If you practice hard enough, playing the game will be fun again.” 🙏🏾